...compels me with the colour of its countries...

2003-11-09T22:17:00.000-05:00

Blogger, you know you will always be my first love. I treasure our relationship like none other. Its just that, see, Xanga lets me post pictures, and makes it easier for people to leave comments...So for now, except for occasional post here, I'm going to wander back over there.

2003-11-07T02:02:00.000-05:00

Just got back from the Virginia Coalition/OAR show.....ahhhhhhh such goodness. Needless to say, I'm not getting any sleep tonight. It's going to be a full blown recreation of the show in room 209.....dang, it was so awesome...beyond awesome. My roommate thinks I'm high. I can't stop dancing. Maybe I'll quit college and be a VACO groupie. Might as well, we already know I'm going to marry Andy...the way he plays those congas....DAMN. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Justin...VACO was probably the best thing I got out of our relationship.

I'm soaked in sweat and smell of cigarettes and alcohol (sup Brett/Brent!? I love you too! Even if you were hammered all night...good stuff, baby). Yummy. And thats right, every-single-Wake-guy-I-talked-to, I go to SALEM. Whattsssupppp?

I have one thing to say:
A little bit skinny, crazy, white
Don't sweat it baby, I could do it all night (all night)
You call the doctor when you're feelin' pain
When you wanna feel good call Jerry Jermaine

All the suckers sit down, I'm the real Jermaine

We came to get it on
Y'all feel the same way, tell me...

I said, do y'all feel like gettin' it on?
You say, yes, we feel like gettin' it on
Do y'all feel like gettin' it on?
You say, yes we feel like gettin' it on
Do y'all feel like gettin' it on?
Yes, we feel like gettin' it on
Do y'all feel like gettin' it on?
Yes, we feel like...

Let me tell you what they say
They say a party ain't a party without a drum beat
A party ain't a party without a drum beat
A party ain't a party ain't a party ain't a party

And all the suckers sit down, I'm the real Jermaine

!!!!!

2003-10-28T01:03:00.000-05:00

College does things to you, like causing you to stop showering, see how many weeks you can go without doing laundry (making you realize in the process that you need to buy more underwear), grow your hair to your waist, go to class in your pajamas, stay up til two watching bad action movies with Courtney Love and Kevin Bacon, develop new forms of communication view Instant Messenger (i.e. "slash/talk"), and realize that even when you do graduate with a degree in some bogus field like art history, there is no way anyone will hire you because there are people with actual experience who are fighting for the same job you are. It makes you want to be like your mother, get married, have a bunch of kids, raise them on a farm, do away with all television and devote your life to baking dandelion cookies and playing in the grass. This is what college does to you. This is what I moved out of state and am paying 12,000 dollars a year for. That and the hott guys.

Oh, wait.

2003-10-27T15:26:00.000-05:00

I you've wondered where I've been (yeah right, as if anyone reads this anymore), I took a little detour over to my other site ( One Week ). It was nice while I was there...I was hoping it'd feel a bit more like a community than Blogger does...but I was wrong. Blogger will always be my first love, and Anna's right...I'm just emo enough to enjoy the solitude.

It's chilly and raining today...I love it. My roommate is taking advantage of...well...another afternoon, by sleeping as she always does. Jade, my next-door-neighbor is playing ghetto-booty-dancing music a bit too loud, but thats why I love her. She and I are going to see Virginia Coalition and O.A.R. in a little over a week, and I'm ecstatic. It's been too long since my last concert.

I think I had a mandatory work-study meeting that I was supposed to go to during lunch...I don't remember if M.E. told me that or not...oh well, I'll find out from Jade what went down. Classes are great. Mid-terms are over, thank God. Rocking an A in every class (I know, it's a miracle)...just need to bring my participation grade in Religion up. In order to do that I need to read the book before I go to class. *Sigh.*

There's a documentary on HBO tonight about young adults who were "Born Rich," i.e. the heir of Newhouse (the publisher), the Johnson & Johnson heir (though he's the one who made the documentary)...I'm excited. Should be interesting. I watch too much TV up in this piece (lol). But I live in Winston, what else am I going to do...I went home with Mary Liz to Wilmington this past weekend. We mainly just drove around, walked around downtown, watched movies and had good, long, interesting conversations with her friends (pretty much the same gang I met last month during Male Visitation weekend). It was good...sleeping on the couch, doing laundry for free, seeing a new town, going to the ocean. I swear...sometimes I'm just dumbfounded at how blessed I am with my roommate. We are so much alike...feels like we've been friends forever. And I'm so comfortable around her family and friends...I seriously had to shake myself sometimes this past weekend...felt like I was home again, the water, all-weekend sleepovers with the guys. But now I'm back at Salem...good ol' boring, beautiful, tiny Salem. I made a list of things to do during Math this afternoon...all copied neatly onto my arm, where I'm sure to not lose them. I'm refusing to do a page of homework today....I got 3 hours of sleep last night, on top of the average of 4 or 5 a night from the past two weeks...even a weekend of laziness can't cure that. So here's the make-the-most-of-your-slacking-off-time-list: 1) Watch "Born Rich" tonight; 2) Call Dad; 3) Buy yarn (so I can start working on that afghan I need to crochet); 4) practice piano; 5) read some Millay, Brother Lawrence, and that novel for my Religion class (it's a novel...I don't count it as homework); 6) Write Steve.

Steve e-mailed me w/ his snail-mail address this past weekend, which just made my month. Now I have someone to write real letters to (besides that soldier in Georgia...hmm)...and he's safe, and well. I was so happy to hear from him. So look out, Steve, you don't know what you've gotten yourself into...my letter-writing juices have been building up...it's good for the soul, right?

Perhaps I'll take a nap now...yeah....sleep... :)

2003-08-31T20:47:00.000-04:00

Ooh, I forgot to mention that last night, at Casino Night in Bryant Hall (hehe....for all of those freshman that didn't go the the frats, and all the upperclassmen that have beentheredonethat), I got to talking with our blackjack dealer (after all we were at her table for 2 1/2 hours) and she was saying that they'll be doing the "Vagina Monologues" again this year, around February. Yay! You don't have to sing for that! She was like, "Yeah, you should definitely be in it...I think there's some sort of audition, but really whoever wants to be involved..." I'm siked now. I was afraid that it was always going to be musicals. And, well...we know my voice can't handle that.

2003-08-31T17:40:00.000-04:00

School is great, making friends, studying hard (most of the time).

Talked to Justin very briefly this afternoon. As over him as I'm sure I am, I feel like I'm in some state of limbo....when I think about talking to him my breath goes away and this terrible anger wells up inside of me....and I've come to the depressing conclusion that while I under NO circumstance want to be with him again, I'm not that interested in being with anyone else, either. As much as I'd like to have a guy to talk to occasionally, and even with all the hot Wake guys that hang around, I'm not very interested in dating again. I think maybe....maybe I have a problem trusting guys now. I don't know. It's sad. I want to want someone badly. I want to be empty of emotion whenever I think about Justin. Completely empty. When will that be? Will it ever happen? Argh. I never thought I'd say at it, and I don't really mean it, but at this moment right now I wish I'd never met Justin Basham.

2003-08-30T02:20:00.000-04:00

I was thinking tonight about how much I miss Steve. And how appropriate it is that now when I want to talk to him the most, I'm unable to. Serves me right for all the times I distanced myself from him. Amazing how through that we've remained close, even if we only talk a few times a year. That bond is unique...we're going to be life-long friends, even if we stick to our plan of not meeting up in person again until we have grandkids. I miss him so badly...I don't know what I want to say to him, except that I think about him constantly and that he's my hero. Strange how to anyone else it would seem like we have nothing in common anymore, but...I guess we're kindred spirits. We understand each other on some level not often accessed. I was thinking back to that day when he called from Germany and told me he was getting sent to Iraq. I was in Lake Tahoe, on vacation with my family, and in about as opposite a situation from him as possible...I didn't know what to say. My heart stopped beating.

First Friday night at Salem was a general success. Mary Liz went home for the weekend....talked to Andreanna about carpooling home sometimes (Sept. 20th?). I miss the water....I miss Elizabeth...I miss so much...

I miss the warm, I miss the sun
I miss the ocean, I miss everyone
I miss the bridges that span across the bay
Tonight it seems like ages ago....

2003-08-28T23:33:00.000-04:00

So I'm not so homesick anymore. Just when I talk to Dad, really. I can talk to Mom forever and not cry, but whenever Dad gets on....that may partly be because Dad always talks about missing me, and then I think about how I'm never going to really live at home again, and my childhood is over, and I just want to be a little girl forever....but when I'm not talking to them I'm generally good. I love it here. Well, maybe not love, I'm not obsessed with it, I don't think Salem is the school to end all schools, but I do think it's the right school for me; this is where I'm meant to be right now.

I went over to Wake today for the Wesley Foundation. It was just me and one other Salemite, and she doesn't usually go. I really think it's going to be difficult to be involved with them without having a car, I don't think I'll be able to depend on getting a ride over there (I told my parents, but did they believe me? No. Maybe this will be a good reason to bring the car down here next semester). Also, I know it was just the first time and everything, but I'm not sure how weird it would be going there while everyone else there goes to Wake Forest, and everything is geared to Wake Forest (I know the Wesley Foundation is for both schools, but realistically-- it's like 40 to 1 Wake vs. Salem). Yet at the same time, I enjoyed being with other United Methodists, the people were generally nice, they do a lot of great stuff, and it was nice being in that co-ed setting for worship, at least once a week. I think sometimes people here just get too into the all girls thing, and while I'll get involved with some of the Bible Studies that we have here at Salem, I think I'll go a bit crazy if this place is my only outlet. I need to get off campus and be with more people occasionally. Hopefully once we have some mixers and stuff it'll be easier to incorporate my social life into both schools.

Classes are good. Just need to get off the waitlist for my Intro to Hebrew Scriptures class. I want to take it soooo badly. I'm a bit worried about the workload this semester, but as long as I stay on top of it all I should be alright.

I could use prayer....just to remain positive and studious, and become a bit more outgoing....yeah.

The most amazing thing so far? God has given me the world's best roommate. She's seriously more than I could possibly have known I wanted in a roommate. We're getting along so well, not just as far as friends, but as far as living together and sharing space....and it's so nice to have a Christian friend to confide in right here.

I miss my Daddy.....

2003-08-24T21:56:00.000-04:00

Say it once: I love it here. Say it twice: I love it here. Does it make it any more true? Nope.

There's writing material here somewhere. Right?

I want to go home.

2003-08-19T22:49:00.000-04:00

2 days left at home. Bittersweet doesn't even describe. I can't figure out if I'm more excited or depressed. I think Dad's already depressed. Every time he looks at me he seems sad, and he just keeps asking if I think I have everything I need. I do. Am I nervous. Not really (lie lie lie--I don't want to leave him). Mom is happy for me, but she's sad too. It seems like everyone is being nicer to each other, and every time we talk of look at one another, no matter what it's about, we're thinking that in just a little while I'll be gone and I'll never really live here again. I can't think about that. I can't even comprehend that. I start to break down if I do. Yes, I'm taking most of my stuff, but I'm still living here. Heck, I could move back here after I graduate. Hehe. Isn't that every parent's dream?

2003-08-19T01:01:00.000-04:00

Reasons I have set my cap for boys in the past (via Sarah B. )
*spitting image of Keanau Reeves + a personality, walked with a distinct limp (hott)
*sang a perfect rendition of "Luck Be A Lady"
*heard me singing Maroon 5's "This Love" and broke out into a huge grin
*had very graceful hands and long fingers
*switched from discussing the blessing of Holy Communion to an Alkaline Trio concert in 0.5 seconds
*wasn't afraid to drop by my work
*Tall. Very tall.
*spelled 'Mat' with 1 't'

2003-08-17T02:28:00.000-04:00

My last Saturday night in Virginia. I feel so overwhelmed, like I have so many important things to do still...shopping, doctors appointments, setting up a new bank account, getting all my files from one computer to the other. And yet, all I really want to do is make sure every moment counts. I want to hang out with Liah, and I want to be with my parents, and I want to go to the movies with Andrea, and I want to go the ocean in the evening. What happened to the time? What happened to summer? Did being sick eat up my August? What's going on....I feel like I'm stuck on some train bound for a cliff, and I can't get off, there's no escaping. When did I turn 18 and go away to college? When did they suddenly want me to grow up? Maybe I've been reading too much Millay. I'm only this depressed at night.

Don't take this the wrong way. I want to go to college. I'm ready to go. Not really, but I know I need to go. It's time to grow up, step out. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't have been better to go somewhere closer to home, to even live at home...but I know I wouldn't be happy. I wouldn't be happy here, and I anticipate not being happy there...for a while at least. Why must I make myself homesick while I still have home around me? I just....I dread coming home from college and feeling like this isn't home. You think I would have learned by now that home is within you, that it's whenever you're with people you love...but I haven't. I still rely on circumstances, on feelings. I don't want to spend the next 4 years homeless.

So I'm looking forward to school. I wish it were a week from now and I had all this anticipation and dread behind me. Will it be easier when the goodbyes are over? Why am I crying? Argh...I'm pathetic. My roommate seems nice...we haven't talked much. I hope that goes ok. She's a Christian, at least. The one thing I REALLY CAN'T WAIT for is getting involved with the Wesley Foundation. I need that so much. Youth group just isn't cutting it anymore....that week with the district kids was great, but that was just one week (and in the end I got Lyme Disease, so that's spoiled the memory a little bit).

I wish it were morning. I'm never this depressed about moving away during the day...drat.

At least....at least I leave no attachments behind, you know? Except for Liah and my family there's no one I'm really going to miss....except maybe Galynn. Andrea is moving to NC also, so that makes it a little easier, knowing one of my best friends is not too far away. Justin left me a note on AIM a week ago, saying he'd heard I got Lyme Disease, he hope's I'm ok, ready for school, yaddah yaddah, he's in VA Beach (duh), call him if I want to sometime.

I don't want to. I don't want his pity. Would he have contacted me if I wasn't sick? I doubt it. It just made him feel a little guilty. Well, good for him. I want him to miss me. I want him to realize what an idiot he is (and not just for letting me get away, for being an idiot and wasting his life and messing with other people's lives and being unreliable...). That's about it. Ceste la vie. If he ever feels like talking, let him call me. I won't be waiting by the phone.

So I leave for Winston-Salem, Camel City, Friday. :).

....Gee, ain't it funny how time slips away....

2003-08-10T17:48:00.000-04:00

Audrey Hepburn
Glamerous, nonetheless you have a warm heart and
care about others, you are a good person.

What old Movie Star are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ahhh...that made my day.

2003-08-02T02:03:00.000-04:00

Hope your weekend is going better than mine. Which would be pretty easy to do if your weekend hasn't included running a temperature above 102 accompanied by a massive headache for two days, getting a spinal tap, IV, and being diagnosed with Lyme Disease. Holy cow. And you thought I hated Camp Highroad before. Let's just say I have worse nicknames for it than "fat camp" now.

2003-07-27T23:52:00.000-04:00

My day in a nutshell: Church, church picnic. Jeans and flip-flops required. Came home, went and bought tickets for this evening's showing of Seabiscuit at The Commodore for me, my Uncle Allen, and his "good friend" Julie. Did some lovely Sunday afternoon loafing around/browsing at Barnes & Noble, helped Allen buy Julie's engagment ring....may I just say-- That Was A First. I hope to help many more men buy engagment rings in the future. I'm experienced now, so to all my male friends, and future male friends, I'm here at your service, ready and willing to advise you on carits, clarity, and color. LOL. Seriously, though....I never, ever imagined I'd be helping my 45 year-old-eternal-bachelor-cool-uncle buy an engagment ring. It's a moment I'll cherish forever. *Tear.* This whole thing has taken me by surprise. A week ago I'd never even heard of Julie. I am told, however, that that is just another instance of me being the last to hear any gossip *ahem* news in the family....Apparently this relationship existed back around my graduation, but I was just too busy working and going out to hear about it. Regardless, the point is....they're in love, and absolutely perfect for each other. I love her. She's a runner also, and has been on a YWAM ship in Africa for the past 3 1/2 years, so they have that in common too. Really cool gal. He's cooler now that he has her too. Awesome faith. I'm in shock....yay for cool Christian aunts!

So now I think that just leaves Joe, then me, on the unmarried list. Every last Peck cousin (excepting Jason, and I have no hope for him-- ha) is married, or will be 2 months from now, all the aunts and uncles are married, my brother is married. One can hope all the recent marriage business will keep the adults appeased for quite a while.

Seabiscuit was great, only now I have the urge to drive to the nearest racetrack (up by Williamsburg/Richmond) and place a bet on some creature named Hard Knocks or somesuch.

After the movie we went for a lovely walk around the historic district, down by the marina, along the water. I need to do that again before I leave for school. It was so beautiful....sets my soul at ease. It just wouldn't be safe to go by myself, or with Liah, and I don't want to go with my family....I want a temporary boyfriend. Just someone big who'll protect me when I go for a walk. He doesn't have to talk or hold my hand or anything. Just walk with me. Please? I even have someone in mind, and if it weren't for the fact that: a) I'm a coward and don't want to seem like a stalker by calling out of the blue, b) I leave in a month and know it would be wise to not make any attachments, c) he had a crush on me already -- it's not good to treat a boy's heart lightly, and d) I've resolved to not date any more pastor's sons. If it weren't for all that, I'd call him. I may still, just to see if he wants to hang out...I'm so bored/in need of friends. We'll see. Is there a certain amount of time it's too late to call after the last time you saw someone?

I'd like to see Justin before I leave for Winston-Salem. Just to say goodbye. I'm so fed up with the mess I believe he's made, though....I need to remember just to love him (as a sister, I mean), and pray for him. And hope that he wakes up, straightens up, wises up.

*Note to self: don't date boys who want to be rock stars*

2003-07-23T22:39:00.000-04:00

I had a dream I joined the army and got sent to Iraq for two years. I woke up in a panic and it took a while for me to calm down and realize that it was only a dream-- I hadn't joined the army. How ridiculous is that. It had me worrying all day, though. I wonder how Steven is doing...I can't begin to fathom all he must have seen and gone through by now. I wonder how much he'll have changed...I wonder if Robert will get sent over in the fall. I wonder if other people think about this as much as I do, or if it's only because I live in the largest Navy town in the U.S.

School starts in a month. I'm nervous. And excited. And every other emotion under the sun, as Julie says. I'm scared I won't make it.

I think I need to get out, lighten up. Maybe I'll call Jimmy. He'll take me clubbing....I need to forget, or learn, or something.

2003-07-10T01:37:00.000-04:00

I'll admit it- I'm a list girl. My best friend complains because I like to make definite plans, i.e. "I'll come over around 7." She claims I'm not spontaneous enough. I disagree. Spontaneity is a beautiful thing but let's face it-- would half the stuff we'd like to accomplish really get done without a tiny bit of planning? Spontaneity has it's place-- cherished memories and crazy stories are made out of spontaneous moments. But please-- could I at least have the time of when we are going to be doing these spontaneous things?

So I make lists. Big deal. I have a reading list (slightly categorized-- you need to do that when the list is as large and extensive as mine), a movie list (do you realize how many movies I would have forgotten to check out if I didn't have my handy list?), bits of music lists all over my room, a sketchy "the man I marry...." list in my head, and....a life list. Things I would like to accomplish in this life, places I want to go, things I want to say, experiences yet unknown. I hardly ever get to check something off (I'm guessing "learn Russian" is right behind "act alongside Sean Connery"), so I have to remember that it's important to mix semi-almost-attainable goals in with those more long term. For instance, I gave blood last month for the first time (quite an ordeal for me...lemme tell ya) and was deeply satisfied by the big "check" my life list received. A few of these goals include....

Stay with Paul V.K. in the Netherlands one summer (meet Edwin)

Spend a month in Florence, Italy

Learn to make tostados without burning them (hopefully I will accomplish that this weekend)

Learn to really speak Spanish

Paint a room orange or red

Have an apartment in the city

Learn to tend bar

Attempt all the cool ideas and techniques gathered from "Trading Spaces"

Work on a movie set

Kiss a stranger

One word: karaoke

Own a camel

Work in a mission field

Ok! Enough dreams for one night. Now it's the pillow's turn....

Quizas, quizas, quizas....

2003-07-08T14:59:00.000-04:00

I have the house to myself for TWO days :).

I've rented 4 movies.

I've talked to my roommate twice. Mary Elizabeth from Wilmington, NC. I dig her.

There was a boy....once upon a time...what was his name? Hmm.

Mission Camp next week. Yay?

2003-06-30T01:23:00.000-04:00

For a lack of motivation to post about anything deeper....here ya go.

Last Car Ride: To and from the ferry this afternoon.

Last Good Cry: Last Sunday during worship....who knew I would get so emotional about the Cofields moving?

Last Library Book Checked Out: Um...Libaries are great! I greatly encourage you to utilize yours! I, however, tend to rely on the millions of books in my house, and the friendly people at bookstores. Til the money runs out, at least.

Last Movie Seen: Tortilla Soup. Very, very good.

Last Book Read: Cubana: Contemporary Fiction by Cuban Women

Last Cuss Word Uttered: I can't remember. That's a good sign.

Last Beverage Drank: water

Last Food Consumed: Johnny Rocket's Streamliner Veggie burger.

Last Crush: no thanks.

Last Phone Call: Liah

Last T.V. Show Watched: A special on Katherine Hepburn.

Last Time Showered: this morning.

Last Shoes Worn: my Bass flip flops. So comfy.

Last Cd Played: Mae Destination: Unknown

Last Item Bought: I was a big dork today and actually went to work on my day off, as a tourist. I bought 3 little glass sailboats and finally went on the USS Wisconsin and saw the new exhibit.

Last Downloaded: can't remember

Last Annoyance: my sister. No surprise there.

Last Soda Drank: I don't normally consume sodas, but at Johnny Rocket's it is absolutely necessary that you drink root beer.

Last Thing Written: I actually wrote a poem-esque thing the other night...I published it on my xanga...maybe it'll drift over here.

Last Key Used: house key

last word spoken: "mmmpphh" to Dad. He was talking and I was sleeping.

Last Sleep: about an hour ago...fell asleep reading on the couch.

Last IM: Clare

Last Weird Encounter: Devon, from Housekeeping.

Last Ice Cream Ate: hmm....cookies and cream.

Last Time Amused: my dad amuses me.

Last Time Hugged: like a real hug? I can't even think....maybe Liah. Probably Justin. And that was about a month ago. Wow, that's sad.

Last Time Scolded: Mom, graduation thank you notes.

Last Time Regretful: I have no regrets

Last Chair Sat In: the one I'm in now

Last Shirt Worn: black tank top.

Last Time Dancing: last night, baby.

Last Poster Looked At: This mermaid poster we sell at work.

Last Show Attended: Mae, last night.

Last Webpage Visted: Target.com

2003-06-24T20:04:00.000-04:00

So I stayed up until 3:30 Sunday night talking to Justin. We got a lot of our feelings and struggles out in the open; it was a talk I had much needed. I feel a lot better about some of the insecurities I'd been having since we broke up--not insecurities, but just frustrations. He still cares about me, but just is really confused. I think he's scared. I talked about my need to get over him, and our need to be apart and distant from one another for a while. Whew. I feel a lot better. I hate that I need, that I want him so much. It sucks being vulnerable. I'm happy though. I estimated today that I'm only truly unhappy for 30 min. a day. Not bad, I think. Hmm.

I've realized lately that it's the smiles you give to yourself, the ones no one else sees, the uncontrollable grins, that mean the most. They're some of the most honest moments in life. I can fake a smile all day long, but when I'm all alone and I find myself grinning without knowing it....that just makes my day fantastic.

2003-06-23T01:24:00.000-04:00

I had an interesting dream last night. It wasn't good, but it wasn't terrible. It was an unpleasant, stifling, frustrating dream. It was the first one I've remembered in quite a while. I was at work when Robert came in, in full dress uniform. Only he was taller than he really is. He said he had to talk to me, so we went off in a corner, and he told me he was getting sent to Iraq. I just looked at him, and hugged him forever. He stepped back, looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Do you ever cuss, Dee Dee?" I meekly looked up at him, my big brother, and said "Yes." "Say something," he said. I looked straight at him, and replied with every bit of honesty in me, "This is a shitty deal." I started to cry, and he just nodded. But then all of a sudden he became Justin, and I understood why Robert had been taller than he really is...he was really Justin. I hugged him for what seemed forever, and he kissed me, and I cried.

I can't figure out if I should be disturbed by this....or what. I think I've witnessed too many homecomings the past few weeks, too many sailors back from the war. Combine that with Steve being sent to Iraq, my brother's possibly going over there, and my not being over Justin and you get...chaos in my dreams.

I'm recording "Breakfast at Tiffany's." I love this movie. Justin refused to watch it. Just like he refused to watch "Jesus Christ Superstar" or "The Princess Bride." I can hate him for that. I know he did it just to tick me off, but I think it says something deeper. If he wasn't such a sweet guy he would be a selfish, self-centered jerk. It's easier to hate him when he's like that, though. We talked for a bit tonight, about nothing of consequence. He's going to start playing with Virginia Creeper, and he's excited about that. I'm happy for him. I hope he finds what he's looking for out of life. I worry sometimes....I try not to, I know God has great plans for his life...I just....it scares me. I don't want him to wind up with broken dreams....I wonder what Jenna thinks about his whole deal. If she's as scared as I am. But anyway....We don't know how to converse anymore. We've even lost interest in small talk. Damn history. Of course, it makes it easier to forget about someone when you're not pouring out your thoughts, ideas, and feelings to them. I just sometimes wish I knew what he was really thinking. Am I naive to think that dealing with his feelings must come up occasionally, between evenings with Warren, concerts, and bars, and days spent at the beach? Maybe not. Maybe men are able to push aside all that. Maybe he doesn't care. Why must I care?

Regardless, I leave for Winston-Salem TWO MONTHS FROM TODAY!!!! I am completely excited. My classes are going to rock (only 1 more math class, and NO science for the rest of my life!). A brand new city. On my own. Starting over. I need to meet new people, new friends. I'm so lonely here. My best friends are both camp counselors this summer, so I never see them...and everyone else already has their group. I entered the scene just a bit too late. Who knows, maybe not....the summer is young. I need a party. Now. College college college. Wesley Foundation! Yay! Wake guys! Theatre department! Tourists all over my campus!(?) In related news, I've decided to double major in History and Religion. I figure its good to start out ambitious (but not too ambitious).

2003-06-19T23:08:00.000-04:00

Great day. Went to bed at 5:00 this AM. Justin happened to get on around 3:30, we talked for a while...felt good. Bittersweet, but good. I managed to not get depressed or teary post-conversation, despite the late hour. I still wonder if this whole deal wouldn't be easier if I just broke off all contact with him, burned the bridge. But I'm sick of burning bridges. I'd like at least one friendship to last. I need some more Steves (or as close as I'll ever get to anyone like him).

Woke up at 11:00. Ran errands, ordered some new glasses (these frames are seriously so cute...once I move to Xanga I'll post pics), got an oil change. Read, listened to 93.7 The Coast (how I've missed you! If I were a radio station I would marry you!).

The only man who could ever teach me...was the son of a preacher man.
Dad's been playing/singing that all evening. Is he mocking me? I hope not. Heh...it reminded me of my first real date with Justin. We went to the movies and then drove along the river, windows down, heat on (how we like it :) ). Stopped into a bakery for donuts, and that was the first song that came on the radio...heh. We'd just been talking about our Dads, making all these weird little connections, times our lives had overlapped and we hadn't realized it. And even further back, back to when he was living in Cuba...man. I digress. So that song came on and we just looked at each other and burst out laughing. It was such an appropriate moment, just...I miss that night. It was good, as good goes. Ah, Dave, Dave...you read my heart. G'night.

2003-06-19T01:26:00.000-04:00

Just got back from Roanoke, where I spent a few days conferencing. Or watching others conferencing. This was my 5th Annual Conference, the first time in 4 years I haven't been a delegate. But I'm a dork, and I went just to hang out with the cool people I only get to see once or twice a year. Next year, however....college delegate I shall be (excuse me, Dwayne, member). So it was awesome, I really only felt lonely, depressed, and miserable for one morning/afternoon, which is pretty good considering the circumstances. I was hopped up on chocolate covered coffee beans last night, so I came out of my shell....quite a bit and managed to entertain/have a ton of fun with most of the other kids. Ate lunch today with Dwayne and the Farmville District people. I felt really comfortable and natural around them all for the first time. Which is kinda sad, too bad I didn't feel that way when I was actually in their district. But I think it's taken my moving away, being in this environment to really come into my own, so to speak. Dwayne says I look older. I told him I'd chosen the most similiar college I could find to Hampden-Sydney (single sex, very small). That made him happy. I actually talked with Alan. That has NEVER happened. I didn't clam up, like I usually do....I wasn't intimidated or...wow. It felt awesome. We talked about theology and music...he said that if I come up to H-S next fall w/ a group of Salem girls that he'll interview me on his radio show...hehe. Hung out with Katie a ton--she's a awesome girl. We have a lot more in common then we ever realized. Hmm..what else. Successfully analyzed Greg's relationship dilemma in 0.5 seconds. "You don't want her back, you just want to make out with her."

It was just an awesome time altogether. I really, really, really needed to get away and be with a different group of people. And I haven't even mentioned the other non-Farmville people...such good, solid fellowship. The conference itself was boring; a lot of voting I couldn't participate in; Bible Study was awful....the guest preachers were great, though. And The Bish(op) was semi-amusing, as always. The week started at a 6, went to a 1 at one point, but overall I give it....a 9. Yay!

The best part, I only really thought about him Monday and Tuesday. Monday because it was his birthday....and I didn't call him. I struggled with that all day, whether or not to call. But I just couldn't bring myself to. I've made enough moves, it's up to him. Tuesday, I ran into his Dad a couple of times. And I felt really guilty for not calling him to wish him a Happy 20th Birthday. I still can't decide whether that was a good decision. But I made it, it's past, so I'm just going to deal. I feel so free, and confident, and excited about the future. Man! I'm on cloud 9! I know I'm not over him, it'll still linger, but I'm not going to let it hold me back...I haven't felt this great or on the way to over in....never. It's incredible. I'm blooming fantastic. I'm going to college in two months, I'm going to double major in English and History, minor in Religion (hehehe....indecision rocks--we'll see how long this lasts), I'm going to have a fantastic life doing something I love, I have no idea what exciting things may happen tomorrow, but I know I have a Love thats there with me each step of the way, I have amazing people that care about me and have the utmost confidence in me....man...I could go on, but it must stop sometime. It's just so incredible to feel like this again. I love it. I'm in love with it. Hehe. Mmmmm.....Yay life.

2003-06-15T00:16:00.000-04:00

I graduated from high school today. Perhaps it hasn't quite sunk in yet, because I don't feel like it's the big deal that everyone makes it out to be...I'm not very emotional about it. It's nice to have it over with, it went well, fun was had by all. I'm just really tired now....

I'm working hard to get over him. And it's going well. He passes through my mind a lot, but I don't let myself hope, or let my thoughts linger too much. It just hits every now and then a bit hard. I miss him now. I shed a few tears, tell myself that it was wonderful while it lasted. Sometimes I wish I could just hate him, be really angry. Maybe then it'd be easier to forget what we had, to forget what I'm missing. We haven't talked all week, which I'm really glad about. He's avoiding me, and I know now that I need to break off contact, at least until...until it's safe for my heart to see him again. I hope he's safe. I hope he's somewhat happy. I hope he's miserable. I hope he figures out just what the hell he wants out of life, and how he plans on getting there. When I think of that it's easier to get angry. At least until I hear him playing softly. Ouch. Go away, Justin. Please. I want to be over you so badly.

2003-06-11T22:32:00.000-04:00

Goast Guard guys are hott.

2003-06-06T16:19:00.000-04:00

Tahoe was gorgeous, as expected. The week was mostly wonderful, despite my body requiring major adjustments to the 6000+ elevation. It's good to be back at sea-level. I wonder when my ears will realize that we're home.

Sometimes I wonder what my parents would think if they knew everything kids these days go through. I really think they have no clue about most of the stuff, despite being somewhat hip and in tune with modern culture. I wonder what they would say if they knew about the petty stuff in even my pretty tame existence. Maybe I just search for something to complain about, trying to be some angst ridden teenager, when we all know I'm not.

It's just...College is sneaking up and I'm starting to get scared. Sometimes when we're all eating together and I look around at my family I imagine the looks on their faces if I were to suddenly blurt out my secret life [Don Chaffer]. Would they be surprised if I told them I only plan on going to Salem for 2 years? That I have no clue what I want to do with my future because the one thing I do want seems like an impossibility? That if I don't at least try I'll go crazy with "what ifs"? That the man I love has trouble letting go, and even when he does...well, we both have dreams too big. That my best friend is being sent to Iraq next week, and I'm terrified and proud and want to scream and cry and laugh at the same time. My other best friend is depressed and seeking because for the first time in her life she's lost a friend, a peer, to the horrors of cancer and suddenly-- well, we're all growing up, aren't we? This is life, isn't it?

But You, remain. And You, never change...

2003-05-30T01:04:00.000-04:00

Opened up today (whoo! I love morning meetings), worked 'til 4:00. Good stuff. Great stuff. I seriously think I have the best job ever.

Went to the District Pastor's going away dinner. Why, oh, why did I go. Did I forget that Justin's parents would be there? Did I forget that Justin's pastor (the not-his-dad-one I mean) would be there? Did I forget that Justin's ex-girlfriend's parents would be there? Did I forget that I'm the sort-of-ex-girlfriend? Man. Not. Fun. Started off with a few awkward and sweet exchanges with his parents. Went downhill from there. The DS's wife mistook my mom for Justin's mom. Awkward. The Alvis' found out I dated Justin. Rip-apart-the-ex-for-no-good-reason-time. My mom succumbed to peer pressure and went with it, made me mad. Dad made a few jokes, thank goodness. I said some things like, "We're still good friends" and "Please, can we not talk about this?" and "Don't listen to my parents, they love Justin, mom's just saying those things because she knows you hate him and she wants to agree with you." Auggghhhh.

So I excused myself, went to the bathroom, and called....Justin, of course. He was going to come over this evening and get his chess set back, play the Telecaster for me, and just hang out before I left for the week. But his car has a flat tire, so we made plans for me to go over there instead, after I got home from the dinner.

The dinner ended better than it began. The DS's wife asked if I knew that the Basham's had a daughter my age who was also graduating from high school, and mom butted in and said that I had dated their son. "Oh really? He's a good-looking kid." Another awkward moment. And then Justin's parents and my parent's talked for a looonnngggg time, about everything but Justin or me. That was nice. I think I convinced Mrs. Basham that I'm doing great, that I'm happy and on good terms with everyone and everything. I'm glad for that...she's sweet, if a bit intimidating. I don't want her to worry.

So we got home at 9:50, I changed, got gas, and drove to Smithfield. It was....wonderful. Felt almost relaxed and chilled, comfortable with him again, just one on one. He played that beeeaaauuutiful, amazing guitar of his, and we just talked about everything. I told him all about the dinner, how much I wanted to flee from the entire scene; about relationships, life, etc. It was fantastic. Mr. Basham poked his head in to *shush* Justin's playing, and was a bit surprised to see me again so soon, I think. So anyway, the ending made up for a perfectly rotten evening. It's good to know I can just hang out with him and be real and be comfortable again. I've missed him. We'll get over each other together, heh.

Leave tomorrow evening for Lake Tahoe. I'm excited about it, at last. I'll even out the tan, finish all my books, write decent words (not this slop I throw out to the web--- sorry all you people who don't read this anyway) dream of sneaking off to somewhere, and meeting handsome strangers. I'll try not to miss work, and I'll try not to get angry at Mom (will she try not to provoke me?); I'll try to have more patience with Liz, and Dad...well, Dad is perfect, isn't he? I'm really too blessed to have such an amazing, caring, intelligent, thoughtful, funny father. I'll try not to put him on a pedestal. Heh. Have a good one, folks.

Oh, and welcome home to Norfolk, USS Roosevelt.

2003-05-27T22:10:00.000-04:00

I'm working at least 8 hours a day this week, except for this weekend starting Friday, because I just remembered....we leave for Lake Tahoe Friday! Whoo. I think. I'm weird. Not quirky, cool weird, I've been acting weird. I've been feeling weird. I can't put my finger on what it is. I have a huge longing to go clubbing/concert hopping/bed at 3 am/work @ 9. I want/need to be one of those loser kids. Wait, I am one of those loser kids. Just not really. Weird.

New college kid back at work. Julie rocks my socks off. Cool kid.

So Tahoe for a week. I need to get excited, need to put some thought into packing...something.

2003-05-27T00:11:00.000-04:00

Justin has got to be the luckiest guy on the planet.

Who else wins a $1400 sparkly silver, limited edition Fender Telecaster electric guitar?? Dang. That boy. Now he can play me some good blues music.

Which is ironically appropriate. Eesh. I still love him. I said he was lucky, right?

2003-05-25T14:22:00.000-04:00

Getting what you want is too easy in this town.

The USS Truman came back Friday, so the city is full of sailors. Cute, swearing, hungry sailors. This is not a good time to be on the rebound.

At home, reading "Catch-22."

2003-05-24T02:17:00.000-04:00

I think I just had a serious, "don't-drop-out-of-college-and-screw-up-your-life-you're-perfect-amazing-have-we-mentioned-that" talk with my parents. I can't be sure. They're tricky like that. Hrm. Tricksy hobbitses.

2003-05-22T00:02:00.000-04:00

Reasons today was the best day I've had in 2 weeks:
Went to work at 9, opened, got to be there for the staff meeting (fun times)
Everyone was on at work-- happy, productive-- after all the weird moods last weekend, this was a welcome change
I got off at 2!
I went to the beach!
I took Oscar for a walk!
I took a loonnnggg hot bath
Bible Study
Justin came to BS, met his best friend, Warren--good guy. That made me very happy.
Feeling somewhat at peace about the above deal. That's wonderful.
And all the little in betweens :).

2003-05-20T23:31:00.000-04:00

I have this terrible spinning feeling in my stomach that keeps screaming, "I never want to get married or go out on another date again....my plans are too big! My dreams are too big! How can I be a movie star and a wife??"

I'm terrified of something. I wish I could tell my stomach that it's ridiculous to think about these things now, I'm much too young. But it won't listen, it only wants an answer. And I'm afraid to figure out which I want more....My dreams, or happiness. I want it to be the day when they will be one and the same.

*Current mood:* Scared

2003-05-18T00:48:00.000-04:00

Everyone I know is either breaking up or going through a rough time in their relationship. What happened to Spring being the season of love, new life, flirty summer romances, etc? This has been a very odd week. The oddest. Something's missing. I wish it were 3 months from now, or just Monday. Either one. It's tough living in the moment. Stay or leave, I want you not to go.

2003-04-14T21:04:00.000-04:00

hmm...I realized that the "We're so good for one another, my guy and me" at the end of my last post sounded very materialistic, as if I was in this relationship only for the concert tix. As if. Heh. I meant the comment in a "We're so good for one another, my guy and me, because even though neither of us has the means, we're willing to sacrifice great things like time and money in order to go to concerts of people we don't necessarily like just because we love each other." As if. As if I had to explain myself to the 'net :).

2003-04-13T14:48:00.000-04:00

Haha! I've got tickets to Bob Dylan, May 8th, Ntelos Harbour Pavillion right here in good 'ol Portsmouth! *Maniacal laughter.* What a fantastic surprise. :) :) :) :) :) :).

We're so good for one another, my guy and me.

2003-03-23T23:14:00.000-05:00

I'm in love. Life is amazing, and I'm in love.

2003-02-18T16:45:00.000-05:00

Life is great, very busy. Daily struggle just to keep up with it. I hate my biology professor.

Yet somehow I'm having the best year of my life.

2003-02-07T00:30:00.000-05:00

You're Fran!

Take the Which Strictly Ballroom Dancer Are You? Quiz
Also try my other quizzes.

I do way too many of these things.

2003-02-04T22:12:00.000-05:00

Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

Heck, yeah.

2003-01-30T16:44:00.000-05:00

*Warning: self-centered post*

You are an Italian.

What's your Inner European?
brought to you by Quizilla

Heh. I found this amusing. Last week this guy comes up to me in the grocery store and says "Where are you from?" I said, "Excuse me?" "Are you from this country?" He asked. Rather surprised, to say the least, I answered yes. He looked surprised and said that I looked "Italian or some such." I laughed and explained that my mother is Cuban, so perhaps...

That in itself was amusing, but what really got me was when a guy from my Biology class stopped me, introduced himself, and asked if I was from around here. I replied no, because I'm not. He said "I thought so, you seemed like you were from another country." Shocked, I said, "No, I'm from this country. I've always lived in Virginia." Anyway, this is....not leading anywhere. I think it is interesting, though, that in this day in age, when we live in a global community, in a country that is particularly a cultural melting pot, just because someone looks different you can assume that they're not from here. And really, I don't look that different. Dark hair, pale skin....maybe it's the aqualine nose...In my 18 years I've been mistaken for: Greek, Israeli (a Tel Aviv airport employee addressed me in Hebrew for quite a while before realizing I didn't have a clue what he was saying), Italian, Jewish, French, and a Russian singer. No one ever says Cuban....oh well. If I were an actress this would come in handy. If only.

2003-01-30T01:23:00.000-05:00

I had a perfect day today. If this sounds familiar, it's because you've been reading Bet's blog. You know those cheesy new VW Beetle commercials? Where the man holds the door open for the girl, and etc, etc? The joy just flows? That was my day, only mine was better. I spent all day in downtown Norfolk, a good sized, beautiful city, and had the most lovely day. In strict copy-catness, here's why:

-I wore my cozy blue cowlneck sweater
-My Biology Exam was postponed until Monday (due to all this snow and odd weather we've had lately)
-I got out of Math an hour early, thanks to an easy test
-I had an (!!) hour and 15 min. for lunch at Aroma's (my favorite coffee house-- the nice pregnant lady is starting to recognize me) which I spent reading, writing, watching the people go by, and eavesdropping on a nearby table of theater students
-I love working at Nauticus . The people are wonderful, I'm learning a lot, and I get to design my own displays :)
-Today was Jason's birthday. Ate lots of chocolate cake.
-After being sick for two months, and in the shop for two weeks, I finally have my car back! Hallelujah.
-Still sore from last night's class at the gym
-Bible Study

2003-01-27T23:51:00.000-05:00

I'm desperately trying to rack my brain to come up with an issue to write my state legislators about. As part of a TeenPact assignment we're supposed to write an encouraging letter, etc., etc. Despite this being my...3rd year...I'm having last minute constituent block. I've come up with: moratorium on the death penalty (I'm hesitant about this one -- I sort of know the Senator and hate to make waves, him being a Republican and all -- but -- darn this conscience!); midwifrey, which is currently not an issue in the Senate; and homeschooling -- also not an issue (duh). I know, I know, there are things I'm not thinking of -- these are just the usual things. BUT, looking back over this list I've realized that I've become my mother *note: see post below -- irony is frightening*. Literally. I am my young mother. Every bit as wooly intellectual/Christian/hippy/shabby. Gah.

Time to start grinding peanuts, carding wool, and making protest signs.

*Tangent* I have a wonderful picture/news clipping of my sister, age 4, wearing a red little cloak and boots, hair all curly, face serious and concerned, holding a sign reading "Don't Put a Wal Around Ferry Farm." Even then she was saving historical landmarks from the crass commercialism of Wal-Mart. Heh. Good times.*

Just kidding about all that. Or am I?

2003-01-27T20:42:00.000-05:00

Yay! It's official! Senior year, Spring Break, I'm heading off for a week at my brother and sister-in-law's house in sunny El Paso, TX. Rugged mountains and a week of quiet bonding time with Robert and Amanda sounds wonderful.
I live at the beach. I head to the desert for solace.

2003-01-27T16:55:00.000-05:00

Word to The Virginia Pilot: Just because Evan Marriott [Joe Millionaire] is from Va. Beach doesn't mean you have to do an article on him or that show every other day. Literally. It's getting old...

2003-01-23T14:24:00.000-05:00

All of a sudden Mom has decided that Lynchburg is too far to drive for the Waterdeep concert. She was all excited with me about it, and then today over lunch she just casually mentions that "it's crazy." I said, "Fine, I can go by myself." I've driven that far by myself before. And she was like "Yeah, right, no way." AUGHH. She treats me like I'm still 15. I'm so sick of it. If my classes at TCC didn't get me out of the house 3 days a week I'd go insane. God knows I love her, she's a really cool person, but I'm tired of her thinking she can control my life. Especially when I'm not screwing up! If I were going out every weekend, with people she didn't know, alright then, but I'm not. I'm a good kid. I cook, clean, get A's, do the laundry, etc. and she acts like she's the only one who does anything. The one thing I ask for and she just pushes it aside like it doesn't matter. Of course, if it were something she wanted to do (like visiting Joan, who lives in Lynchburg, twice in March) she'd have no problem fitting it in, making it happen. So sick of all this.

2003-01-23T11:51:00.000-05:00

Baz Lurhman is doing La Boheme on Broadway(!). And the planning begins....

2003-01-17T17:59:00.000-05:00

Not much exciting going on. Which is fine by me. Life is good. I started my Biology class at TCC and I have a great professor...so I'm not even minding the long labs and icky subject :).

La dee da....what else. I go to Salem next month for the Scholarship Competition. I'm really looking forward to it, see if everything is as great as I remember it. And it'll be Dad's first time there....yay. Can't wait for him to see it. They sent me a letter today with my Salem College e-mail address and info on what kind of computer I'll need. It threw me off guard. I mean, it's only January! But hey, they're thinking ahead, and I like that. Muahahaha!!

Mucho snow here. It's already melting though. Oh well. TCC was THE ONLY school/college within an hour radius to not close (they didn't even delay!). Made me really mad. Made my professor mad too. Grrr....I think I'm over it though. Kinda.

Happy January!

2003-01-12T00:07:00.000-05:00

I wish I had some guy friend in college who I could take to Prom. I'd even be willing to take my cousin Joe, no matter how lame that is, he's a cool guy. I wish we were closer. I wish I was closer to Emilie too. We kinda talked at the last family gettogether, so I think things are getting better between us. Not that there was anything bad between us before...nothing we articulated anyway. Just...growing up can screw up so many friendships. Esp. family ones. Our lives, environments, philosophies are pretty opposite, but it's ok...I think we're starting to connect again. Which is great. BUT back to the subject. Yeah, friends. This moving around all the time/being cautious with friends/having a terrible handicap when it comes to keeping in touch with people thing is a real drag. I wish I were better at long distant relationships, but I'm not. I'm a really really bad old friend, so I guess it's my own fault that I'm going to have to drag a Prom date out of nowhere. Blah!

2003-01-11T23:45:00.000-05:00

I was thinking tonight about sometime this past fall when I went to DC to see Joy & Jessica, and they were talking about Joe and stuff and all of the sudden Jessica pops out with, "But do you love him?" Joy's Irishman, Trevor, says in his oh-so-beautiful and impossible to understand accent, "You don't ask that, girl, that's personal!" To which Jessica made some big tirade about nothing being personal among cousins, blah blah blah. Anyway, I hesitated, hemmed and hawed (heh-- there's an expression I don't get to use that often), and avoided answering, thankful for Trevor. But it was at that moment I knew that I didn't love him, and never would. And I'm oh so glad.

I never planned on dating in high school, well, that's not true, I wanted to date, of course, but always knew that it would be wise if I didn't. Not because of anything my parents or some adult said, my parents didn't (don't) care either way, but I always knew in the back of my mind how silly and illogical it would be. No one (for the most part) stays together in college, so why put yourself through that? Have fun, focus on something else while you have the time. So anyway, I was always somewhat uncomfortable, though "happy" when I did date someone I liked....I guess...I guess I'm dredging this up just to reaffirm to myself the decisions I've made. I'm not (for real) going to date (unless of course it's Vartan from the gym....lol...just kidding) until I'm in college, and I suppose it's an easier statement to make now that college is in sight. But no wonder I've never really held to that commitment....I admire anyone who *really* does. Our society is so screwed-up...I can't tell you how many people (adults, older ones for the most part) have asked me about a boyfriend and seemed shocked when I tell them I'm not going to date during my senior year. It's frustrating...I don't know if they feel sorry for me or what, but you'd think...I dunno. A little support, perhaps? John Carter is supportive 100%. Andrea is supportive (even though she does have that Adam thing...heh). Jessica A. is with me. And there are countless homeschooled teens who are *with me*, but I don't think it's for the same reasons, and I wonder how they would withstand if tested...much like I did, perhaps... I really admire public school kids who stick with it.....sometimes I think adults really don't know much.... Especially those back in Charlotte Co., but that's a whole 'nother deal (*grin*). Anyway, I don't know where I was going with this...nowhere. On that note, I need a date to the Prom eventually. I wanted to go stag, but there are so many darn things couple oriented, and maybe it would be more fun with a date anyway. The irony is astounding. LOL.

I'm happy, unhappy, whatever. I am, and it feels great. I'm learning to be vulnerable, questioning, and here for those that wander. This has been one of the best years of my life, and that in itself is an utter shock.

2003-01-05T15:16:00.000-05:00

I did not have a positive worship experience this morning. For one reason or another I was distracted, perturbed (by my wonderful little sister...but that's another story *sigh*) and just not letting it all go this morning. I love my church -- there are very few places where I've felt as spiritually challenged and whole -- but I really can't stand going to the 11:00 service on a Communion Sunday. With 300+ people in the congregation communion can go on forever, and with a semi-circular sanctuary, I find it difficult to close my eyes and focus. Instead, I find myself watching as the ushers direct the people to and from the altar, in neat little lines. Does everyone feel as conspicuous as I did this morning? From now on I'm going to our 8:30 "praise" service. It's frustrating, though, because, for the most part, I'm a hymn girl. There are a handful of "praise" songs I love, ones that really move and help me to offer myself to God, but all in all I find a lot of them to be cheesy nothings. I feel that hymns tend to be more rich and full of God's presence. I digress :).

Communion Sunday has always been so special to me that this morning's experience was just rather....a let down. And that's not the fault of the service (or is it?)...maybe it's just me, feelings I impose on the sacrament. The 8:30 service is what I call "open communion" (my term, not theirs-- the Methodist church does practice "open communion" at all times, meaning that the sacrament is open to all who wish to come, whether you're baptized, a member, or not) which means that there are no ushers and you can just go up to the altar, receive communion, and stay as long as you like (without being herded off as you are in the 11:00 service). The difference in my two experiences was so profound....I don't know the answer to this. But until I find it I'm sticking to my early service.

The Swimteam has a discussion going over what "worship" is, and it was such an encouragement to me to come home from church this afternoon and read everyone's thoughts on the matter. This past week has been such a challenging, uplifting, and worshipful week for me....I wonder if God anticipated any of the things that would go on this morning, and somehow gave me this past week as a way to see past these little disappointments....

2002-12-31T00:58:00.000-05:00

Thoughts of the day:

#1. I'm a dreadfully selfish human being.
#2. I could never love a man who didn't write me letters. Joyful, depressing, lovely letters.
#3. I can be very mean to Elizabeth, for all my middle-child sensitivity.
#4. I love Salem College. I even get to return to the 18th century, an era I'm better suited for.
#5. Religion, for all it's institutionilized faults, is pertinent, faith necessary, love absolute.
#6. "You said, we'd hear of wars and rumors of wars, but don't be afraid. Earthquakes and famines, but don't cry my friend...although the axe in the root of the tree has been laid...For the one who endures to the end shall be saved."

2002-12-31T00:43:00.000-05:00

So now they know.

This evening at dinner the subject of post-graduation plans came up, if I was going to partake in the ever-fashionable "beach week" or do something different, if I would choose to do anything at all. After meandering through dreams of spending a week with a couple of friends in New York, or hostels in Europe, and my mother and grandmother in the background offering the apartments in Ft. Lauderdale, my father declared that, "I could do whatever I wished as long as it didn't involve the beach or the city." I defiantly replied that, "That suits me halfway perfectly for I have no desire to go to the beach." Of course, I elaborated by saying that if I could pay for it, I was going to New York. Dad grinned. Gima and Mom, however, sat in shocked silence. Not want to go to the beach? Why on earth would I not want to go to the beach?

Maybe it's just me, but the prospect of spending a week trooping from building to sand and back again does not hold some magical allure. Don't get me wrong, I love the ocean. I love to swim, snorkel, etc. And there is something hypnotic about the waves and wind. But....well, it's all one big cycle, isn't it? Bathing suit. Sunscreen. Sand. Sunglasses. Salt-encrusted body. And then you start it all over again. And this is just on a normal beach vacation...I don't really have a desire to spend a week with newly-freed high school graduates, and all that that entails....But, back to the point, admitting that the beach is not really my ideal vacation is apparently blasphemy in the Ferran clan. My mother worships the water and spends every moment from May through September devising ways to get herself to Florida, or at the least, VA Beach (which, believe me, is torture for her now that we're only half an hour from the oceanfront-- there is no peace in the house once the warm weather comes). My grandmother, I can understand. She spent the first half of her life on a island in the Carribean, and maybe I'd be the same if it were me. All this is to say that they were a bit shocked. I think it was good, though, because shortly after Gima started going over all the relatives and how my family came to this country, and who helped them, and where they stayed...as if to remind me of who I am, where I come from. She needn't worry....I'll always remember.

2002-12-30T21:23:00.000-05:00

I spend 80% of my life feeling like a fake. I'm not sure if it's a feeling I simply impose on myself, or reality. When I attempt (and that is the key word, for I realize it's impossible to to really accomplish this) to look at myself objectively, I don't seem like a fake to me. Half the time I seem like a jerk, but not fake. And then I feel guilty for thinking too much about this, and not just being, at which point I move on to thinking that I must suffer from some Protestant version of the over-wrought Catholic guilt. It's at this point I give up and realize that I am a fake as long as I go on thinking like this, and the only way to be real is to step outside myself and stop being so selfish. Of course, that's just a roundabout way of being selfish, being selfless for myself. Ha. Maybe there's some fact in Objectivism after all.

Or maybe I just have too much free time.

2002-12-23T11:29:00.000-05:00

I got into Salem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2002-12-21T20:32:00.000-05:00

18 years-old and I still haven't gotten over this acting thing. I thought the bug was supposed to have passed by now....but it's not. It's just growing. I'm getting depressed just thinking about it.

2002-12-14T12:34:00.000-05:00

I've decided to become an interesting neighbor. From now on I no longer exit the house without my robe, slippers, scarf, gloves, and ski mask. Maybe someone will bring me cookies or chicken soup or something. Or money. Money would be good. Or maybe they'll just think harder about locking the doors.

2002-12-12T23:33:00.000-05:00

I've slowly realized that even if I don't get into Salem or Lynchburg and end up at Old Dominion, I won't be that upset. My parents would probably want me to live with them, and that would be the only big headache (homework is practically impossible to do around here...). But this is a pretty cool place. I could hang out in Ghent, go to shows in VA Beach, chill with John Carter. Anyway. It's just a backup I'm halfway trying to prepare myself for.

2002-12-12T15:05:00.000-05:00

On the way home from Nauticus this afternoon, driving on Waterside, it hit me how much Town Pointe Park reminds me of Battery Park. On a much, much, smaller scale, Norfolk is like having my own little Manhattan. The park looks across the river to the tall buildings, there are ships (though, of course, the majority of ours are Naval ships) dotting the water....the Downtown tunnel stands in for the Lincoln tunnel. Though, of course, Churchland bridge doesn't quite compare to the bridges in NY.Anyway, I guess I'm just saying...I love this town.

2002-12-05T10:11:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to me :).

2002-12-01T19:51:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to write about Thanksgiving, it was nice. I will say, however, that my father managed to get stopped by a Delaware policeman and a Maryland policeman in a 2 hour span yesterday. Luckily the first cop only gave him a warning.

In other news, I was in my first accident last Tuesday. I hit the lady, but it was her fault. Funny how 80 year-old women tend to forget about things like yielding the right-of-way(!!). Blech. Her car is totaled....her insurance will pay for my car...it'll be ok. Just a bit frustrating. I'm all about stricter driving laws for the elderly now, what with this accident and the one last spring...Oh, what made it worse was that she drove off after we collided! She left! So I'm on the phone w/ 911 and I see her driving off and I'm like freaking out....that's what really got me upset. She came back 45 minutes later with her son...backed up into the parking lot illegally, right in front of the cops....they charged her with reckless driving and leaving the scene of an accident. I'm still a little mad...I am grateful it wasn't worse, though....

Senior high retreat is this weekend...as is my birthday. I'll be 18....if I think about it too long I get scared, so I try not to....avoiding reality, that's me. I know it's just another # and won't change much in the immediate future...but still. It has that whole adult stigma with it...hehe. I'm making out like it's a bad thing. Anyway....I guess I don't really want to turn 18, become an adult, all that....I kinda like 17. It's been a great year.

Celebrating my birthday at Eagle Eyrie with Andrea and John is just what I need....can't wait.

2002-11-26T00:04:00.000-05:00

I don't know what happened to the old blog....it went *poof*......so this is what I've got. Which is ok. Hopefully all is in working order now.

Hrm....I need to be touching up my essay for Salem College so I can send out the application tomorrow, but I'm not. I'm here. Practicing being a college student. Heh.

We're working on a new skit at church....The Christmas Shoes. I get to die! Yay....It's good stuff. My son this time around is a good kid. Good actor. And my husband isn't 4 inches shorter than me. Not like it mattered, that was a lot of fun....

Andrea came over yesterday and we watched The Mists of Avalon, in honor of Vartan's birthday or something. Heheh....we're such saps, but it's ok. She's a smart girl....1360 on the 'ol SATs. I hope she gets into NC State, and I get into Salem....then we can carpool home and hang out once in a while. I feel unbelievably blessed to have her for a friend. We're so much alike, it's uncanny....We're always thinking and saying the same things, we have the same taste in movies, books, we both just painted our rooms yellow, we're attracted to the same men (heh...anyway), everything....Yeah, so, The Mists of Avalon was a horrible movie. And there was no Alias to make up for it! But it's ok...not much else to report.....lalala.

Glad this is back for me to babble to....I'm sure you have a differing opinion....:).

2002-11-20T17:32:00.000-05:00

I saw Harry Potter & TCOS last night. Jolly good. Just as good as the first, if not better. When did Voldemort become hott?

I realized today that I miss my dance classes. Well, perhaps not that studio in particular, but I miss dancing. A lot. I've become 5 again, I can't walk across the hall or through a room without dancing. If only Robert were here to yell at me. Anyway, I think I'm going to take some classes at a musical theatre and dance studio next semester. Nothing major, but something to keep me dancing. I need to dance like...like my cousin Caly needs to sing....like Elizabeth needs to draw....like Letterman needs to wear a yellow tie....like a pig needs to roll in the mud. Hehe. That's enough. Hopefully I won't be too out of shape....I've been going to the gym here, and I try to remember to keep stretching, but...we'll see. Speaking of which, Monday I saw a guy at the gym who is, no joke, Agent Vaughan [Michael Vartan]'s twin. It kinda shocked me. Which reminds me (LOL), there's this awesome girl, Andrea, from my church who's an Alias addict also. After the Relient K concert last month we started talking about TV and it turns out we share favorite shows (Alias, Gilmore Girls). And favorite books. It's been really great having her to hang out with.

Bible Study is tonight. I wasn't there last week, due to New York (sigh...take me back, please), but apparently it was all guys, which is a switch considering it had been just me and Katherine and Jessica. A lot of the highschool surfer guys have started coming to youth group and Bible Study again, which I'm really glad about. I think Galynn [youth leader] has been really encouraged....

Mmmm....happy days.

2002-11-19T15:09:00.000-05:00

The Naro Expanded Theatre, a little art & independent film theatre in Ghent, Norfolk has been hosting a Light in Film festival for the past month or so. Every Monday night they show a movie with spiritual or religious themes and then follow it with a discussion led by a visiting speaker. I've made it to 3 of the movies so far: Chariots of Fire, Cry, The Beloved Country, and this past Monday's Fiddler on the Roof. Due to meetings and such FOTR was the first movie my Dad was able to make it to. I inherited my love of movies from Dad; in fact, there's little I enjoy more than hanging out with him and watching anything from "Can't Buy Me Love" to "The Royal Tenenbaums" to "Moulin Rouge" to "Witness." We'll watch anything and everything and spend the next hour discussing all the minutae. We're addicts. It's almost as much fun as watching football and having him explain the game to me. Again. And again [I am actually understanding it now, after 18 years with my Uncle Dave, Robert, Dad, etc.].

Though I had seen the stage version of FOTR about 4 times, this was the first time I'd ever seen the film (at least completely-- I saw it when I was very young, but it doesn't count when all you can remember is the dream/ghost scene). I think all this is to say how wonderful it was to be able to sit in that theatre with my parents and sister; for three hours locked into the lives of Tevya and his family. For a moment it was my family up on that screen preparing for the Sabbath and singing....good times.

2002-11-17T00:07:00.000-05:00

you like to have it wrapped all pretty,
neat little package,
does the bow make you feel comfortable, dear?
must be so nice living in your little lie.

and some things never change.

2002-11-12T01:17:00.000-05:00

stick with me....i'm everchanging....

2002-11-09T23:19:00.000-05:00

I waitressed at The Lighthouse Cafe this evening. Wouldn't you know, first table, first order.....I spill cappucino all over the customer, me, and the floor. Great. Thankfully, the evening only got better.

2002-11-04T23:52:00.000-05:00

Out of months of ordinary days that seem just alright, I've discovered that I've been missing something. Sometimes you let go of the Truth and lose sight of the goal without even realizing it. It didn't take a tragedy, a big mistake, or a shift in lifestyle to bring about that realization this time. I wasn’t depressed, anti-social, or unproductive. On the contrary. I just….wasn’t.

God places the right people in the right places at the right times. For a Love that would bring not just a friend, but someone I respect and admire into my life at this time, I’m eternally grateful. In every sense of the word. Here’s not to a new life, new path….but a reclaiming of values, of self-purpose, of humility.

It’s like…if your doctor were to tell you the only thing that can save you is fresh air and quiet rest. So you move to L.A. and try to heal, when instead you should be heading for Lake Tahoe. I made the deadly mistake. I tried to breathe on polluted air 6 days a week, thinking I could survive on whatever happened to penetrate during those few hours in church or memories of His love. I’d forgotten that only a genuine constant love for my Savior could stir the breath within me. I’m not rushing head-on into His arms again. I’m leaning back, getting comfortable. It’s a haven I don’t plan on leaving.

2002-11-01T12:54:00.000-05:00

I must admit that I'm not crazy about the new Waterdeep album. The lyrics are fine, but the music seems to be rather....mundane. And at times the music feels like it's not fitting with the words, the point of the song....which is not the Waterdeep I'm used to. Of course, it's all subjective. Maybe I just need to listen to it some more. I really like the new Don Chaffer solo album though. Great stuff.

2002-10-22T00:45:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's the time of year, but it just seems like I'm too busy being--not necessarily living--to blog. Either too much is going on, or not enough....or it's too private. Something.

Academically, all is going well. I've been notified that I'm a NHRP finalist, which is really awesome...excited about that. Finished with the SAT I's for forever, now just waiting on those scores. And then the SAT IIs are Nov. 2.....I'm taking 3...not cool. I'm halfway through my application to the University of Richmond, just need to send my transcripts to Lynchburg College, need to get started on Longwood College (University), and then this weekend I go down to Winston-Salem for Salem College's Senior overnight....and then it's time to get that application underway. Unless plans change, Salem is my top choice....followed by Lynchburg. Longwood is a back-up. Richmond is my 'reacher.' I can't wait for next spring, when, hopefully, this will all be settled....*sigh.*

Portsmouth is a nice place....I'm enjoying it. Trying to take advantage of things like the ferry to Norfolk, coffee shops, art theatres, etc. It's been....interesting, different, to live in a place that actually somewhat fits me, and yet is continually challenging me to grow and change. I feel comfortable here, if that's the word for it. Going to college is becoming not so much a thing of getting away, as it is a chance to test myself, see what becomes of me. Meanwhile I make sure my schedule is full of concerts and lectures, and try to learn as much about the Coast Guard and Navy as I can.

My brother, Robert, and his wife, Amanda, have been visiting for the past week. She's never been to VA before, and it's been nice having a fresh take on things. I like having them here. I like him better now that he's with her. I love my brother, but he can be rather hard to take...I thank God he found someone who can handle him. We had a reception for them at our old farm in Spotsylvania this past weekend, and one of Robert's old teachers asked me "what I thought of him?" I replyed that "I think he's very lucky to have Amanda." A true sister, that's me. This is the first time I've gotten to really hang out and get to know her, and I must say...she's awesome :). I feel lucky to have her as a sister.

A few friends from elementary school and the early years of middle school were at the reception last weekend....we all commented on how we felt like we were in "Now and Then." I said that "we were too young too be doing this, having a reunion." It's funny how some people never change.....I'm glad I got to see them. Most of us hadn't see one another in 7 years....besides being older, wiser, more mature, and more responsible people....we're the same. And I'm so glad. Already planning another Christmastime get-together...

In closing, I'd like to point out that John Carter is the most awesome youth volunteer of all time. So glad to have found a friend in him.

2002-10-10T00:49:00.000-04:00

In a mad frenzy of googling today I, admittedly, entered my own name for the heck of it. I was rather disturbed to discover this. Even more so when I realized she was born exactly 200 years before me.

Perhaps I've been watching too much of the sci-fi channel.

2002-10-09T16:43:00.000-04:00

So the Dashboard Confessional concert was awesome. It was my first show at The Norva, but definitely not my last. Joe, Jessica from 3rd upper, Sarah from my UN trip, and Lindsey-with-the-cell-phone went with me. It was great seeing Sarah again, and getting to know Jessica a little better. Heh, my back seat was full of valedictorians and salutatorians. Overachievers. Blah! The ex-girlfriend in me was slightly pleased that Joe was the only W&M student in the car who couldn't claim that title...hehe. Not that he was that far off. Anyway. So the show was awesome, I really liked Hot Rod Circuit. Ash was alright...all the songs sorta blended together...although the Irish accents made up for that :). Dashboard was awesome awesome! Everybody was singing along, it was great. Didn't get home till 1:30, after driving them all back to Wmburg....Jessica invited me to stay w/ her, but I knew Mom wouldn't have liked that....Jessica is prob. going w/ me to the Reliant K concert though, and I don't think Mom'll mind if I stay up there after that.

Joe finally broke the silence yesterday, thank goodness. So we are now officially over. *Whew.* I was determined not to bring it up, sick to death of taking charge of that relationship. It's all good, though. I'm so overjoyed....now we can be friends! Yay. Life is wonderful....Once I get these job applications and college applications finished everything will be perfect. Because I'll have no idea what's ahead....just the way I like it :).

2002-10-03T01:08:00.000-04:00

I couldn't sleep last night. I usually fall asleep as soon as I've pulled the sheets up, but last night was different. It was well after midnight by the time sleep finally came, and 4:00 am when I found myself wide awake. The room was full of moonlight, I could see shadows from the tree branches swaying on my wall; I immediately knew that I would not be restored to rest by merely flipping the pillow over, or kicking off the covers. I stepped out of bed, my footsteps soundless in the way they can only be in the pre-dawn hours. There is magic in a dark house at 4:00 am, it was this magic that carried me through the kitchen, the dining room, the living room, until I found myself in front of this machine, staring blankly at the snowy stars of the screensaver shooting towards me. I was not surprised that it was this desire, this addiction, neediness, and weakness that had awoken me. Quickly I perused the buddy list, not looking for anyone, merely enjoying the feeling that I was alone at this magic hour, that it belonged solely to me. Silently I moved to the couch, forcing myself to mull over the thoughts and feelings that had kept me from the much needed sleep.

I know in my heart and mind that this is the right thing, it's been coming to this ever since I moved. I was once slowly falling for him, but when you have to start convincing yourself that one day it'll all come together, then it can't be right. When love is real, you know it. It doesn't take time or convenience, but just the knowlege that this is it. Some day I'll have that. Just not now....I'm so glad I don't love him. The only thing keeping me awake is the knowlege that we still have to discuss this...not the fact that I'm losing something. I'm losing a fantasy, gaining a friend. I'm tired of pretending, I know he is. From a problematic standpoint, I suppose I could point out that I deserve better than what he's been giving, and he has relationship issues if he honestly thinks this is how it goes *mini-rant is over now*. To my roots-familiarity addicted persona however, this is the end of an era. And I hate then end of eras. It's a nice story for the grandkids, though, isn't it? My steady high school crush (6"4, blue eyes, red mustang) and music duet partner, asked me to the Senior Prom, we had a lovely little relationship for six months, and then we went our separate ways. That girl on Dawson's Creek said something to the effect of, "There is a big world waiting out there for me. And I have no idea what's just around the corner." I'm kinda liking that.

2002-10-02T19:36:00.000-04:00

So what's new...I had a good time in Woodbridge/DC. It was nice meeting the Irishman....don't know what to say about that. He's very...Irish.

Working on painting my room and various other painting projects....need to have them finished before the open house on Sunday.

2002-09-28T00:40:00.000-04:00

In Liverpool
On Sunday
No traffic
On the avenue
The light is pale and thin
Like you
No sound, down
In this part of town
Except for the boy in the belfry
He's crazy, he's throwing himself
Down from the top of the tower
Like a hunchback in heaven
He's ringing the bells in the church
For the last half an hour
He sounds like he's missing something
Or someone that he knows he can't
Have now and if he isn't
I certainly am

Homesick for a clock
That told the same time
sometimes you made no sense to me
if you lie on the ground
in somebody's arms
you'll probably swallow some of their history

And the boy in the belfry
He's crazy, he's throwing himself
Down from the top of the tower
Like a hunchback in heaven
He's ringing the bells in the church
For the last half an hour
He sounds like he's missing something
Or someone that he knows he can't
Have now and if he isn't
I certainly am

I'll be the girl who sings for my supper
You'll be the monk whose forehead is high
He'll be the man who's already working
Spreading a memory all through the sky

In Liverpool
On Sunday
No reason to even remember you now

Except for the boy in the belfry
He's crazy, he's throwing himself
Down from the top of the tower
Like a hunchback in heaven
He's ringing the bells in the church
For the last half an hour
He sounds like he's missing something
Or someone that he knows he can't
Have now and if he isn't
I certainly am

In Liverpool
In Liverpool

--Suzanne Vega

2002-09-24T02:44:00.000-04:00

Back from Denver, CO....everything went much better than I expected. The bridal party was ridiculously big, the church was huge, the food was expensive, the number of guests was small....it was rather strange. Ah well. Joy didn't come....makes me sad. I wonder if this war between her and Jennifer will ever end....if she'll ever regret not going to her sister's wedding. I think I'm going to spend the weekend with Joy and Jess in DC, after I take Gima back to Woodbridge (the furthest I've ever been allowed to drive by myself....whoo hoo! Progress :) ). Even meet Joy's Irish lover....how very strange. These Peck girls, I swear....Their lives are one big soap opera.

And Joe can go to the concert! Yay! Now I just have to get tickets, and start planning the next one...Jack Johnson in November. Oh yeah, and Reliant K....I think I'll go with that kid Joel, and maybe Sarah, to that one. Fun stuff....if my mother lives from vacation to vacation, I live from concert to concert. Not really....it just sometimes seems like it.

2002-09-16T01:03:00.000-04:00

I want to go to school here!

2002-09-09T23:18:00.000-04:00

Well, my eyes are hurting (contacts....sometimes I forget why I love them so much....), but I need to write before I forget everything (you know, my juvenile Alzheimers is kicking in again).

Friday was JM-Day! I typed this big long detailed account of the day, but what the heck. It would bore you. I'll suffice it to say that, I went up to William & Mary mid-day, drove up to Richmond in the afternoon, went to U or Richmond to see Beth Ann, drove over to Brown's Island for the concert...got there a bit before Charlie Hunter ended, but it was ok. Guster was awesome! I wish I had been more familiar with their music...I bought one of their CDs, and Joe bought another one, that way we could burn each other's. Way to economize, that's us. John Mayer, however.....was wonderful! *Sigh.* New chapter in the favorite memory book. I'm in love with that night. I really am. The music, the stars, the water all around, the train....I don't even mind the people in front of us who kept spilling beer on me. The concert ended at 11:00, and we didn't get out of there until 11:40, what with Megan (from Charlotte Co.) running off to find that guy who "stole" her blanket (that's what happens when you use some random stranger as a blanket-holder)....she can be so frustrating. I love her, but....well...she's rather thoughtless. So I called my parents to let them know I was leaving, and they invited Joseph to spend the night at our house since it was so late. So we talked about it on the way back and decided to stop in Williamsburg to get his contacts stuff and toothbrush, but have him still go back to my house since I was so tired and felt better having him there to keep me awake.

Slept in till 11:30 on Saturday, made coffee, showered, and lounged around till 2:00, when Joe woke up (I had to remind Liz that college students need their sleep...hehe). Hung around till about 3:45, then I took him on a tour of Portsmouth (doesn't take long ;) ). went over to Norfolk to the mall and the downtown area. Showed him the church, dropped Liz off there, and then home to get his stuff before taking him back up to W&M. I hadn't planned on staying, but we realized that we hadn't eaten anything since 2:00...so we went to a deli there off (on?) campus. Caitlin G. was there with her parents, which was really awesome...hadn't seen her since Annual Conference. And this couple a few booths down bought us free sodas, thinking that we had given them directions to the deli....hehe. That was pretty cool. Never had that happen before....And by then it was time to head back home.

Full Sunday of Civil War reenactments, Refuge concert, and checking out "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Very nice...what a lovely, lovely weekend....

2002-09-01T22:01:00.000-04:00

Mom and Liz come back from Disneyworld tomorrow. And Gima and Marisa are spending the week with us. I knew this past week of solitude was too good to be true....I'm sure this will make up for it :-(. Maybe I'll just have the Corderos adopt me for the week :).

Spent yesterday at W&M. It was a beautiful morning, perfect weather for exploring. Got a great tour courtesy of Joe, from the lake to the Wren building, from the Crim Dell (don't cross the bridge! Don't fall in the water!) to the far corner of Colonial Williamsburg. It was Saturday so all the reenactors were out. There were flowers and animals everywhere, dirt paths and ivy covered buildings. It had been so long since I'd been to Williamsburg that I'd forgotten the way the campus runs right into Colonial Williamsburg....lovely...no other word for it. Lunch at Aromas...and then the rain came. Not too hard, just right. The rest of the afternoon was wiled away on hidden paths (deer! There are tame deer on campus!), introductions to dorm mates ("Girl in the guy's bathroom!" "Yeah, I'm against it, but go ahead..."), runs to Food Lion (mmm...mooshy Goldfish and sopping corduroys), good music, and nice, long conversations. The UC was playing Spider-Man at 7 (my 3rd, and favorite, viewing). The Crim Dell is not lit up at night. Strange-silent-wannabe-frat-boy-drunk-roommates. Trading Spaces marathon. It was a wonderful day....The monsoon I got caught in on the Newport News side of the bridge was pretty scary, but traffic was nonexistant and God was in my passenger's seat (or was he holding the steering wheel....).

We'll make it....it's so strange. How did I get so lucky as to happen to move close to the college my boyfriend happened to choose....I feel so blessed....of course I suppose when I get to feeling too lucky I could slip into pessimistic-Dee Dee mode and wonder about next year, but I'm not going to let myself do that. Considering how completely unknown all this future was to me last year at this time, how drastically different from what I ever expected, I'm finally (re)learning that God is never going to let me see around that bend...He knows what I need, and He's got His own plans...the past 17.75 (check it out....almost there :) ) years have proved to be more than I would have guessed...I rather doubt it will all end now.

I was going to write about the youth at my church, or my afternoon with Liah, but I find myself feeling exhausted....goodnight.

"The earth was made round so that we might not see too far down the road" --Out of Africa

2002-08-21T10:53:00.000-04:00

Mmm...Joseph moves into William & Mary this Friday. Even though I won't be able to see him for another week or two, just knowing that he's this close makes me happy. It's been much too long.

2002-08-18T14:39:00.000-04:00

At what point is it alright, is it safe to try and 'make up' with someone you can't stand, who hurts you, but who you care about? My cousin Emilie and I used to be best friends when we were younger. I'm only 3 months older than her, so we were naturally close. We even lived next door to each other for a few years. But, as happens to most childhood friendships, we've drifted apart.....I hate being around her, not because of who she is, or the things she believes in or does, but because of how she makes me feel. I hate being around her because she makes me feel inadequate, fake, and immature/inferior, and vulnerable. I see her probably 3 times a year now, at family gatherings and holidays. Interestingly enough, I keep up with her through her weblog....There's nothing I want more than to be able to really talk to her, especially now when she needs someone. I just...I don't think I'll ever be the person to do it. But if not me, who will? That may sound egotistical, but....oh God. She's so wonderful and so lost. And I hate how I am around her. I'm so pathetic. Bah.

2002-08-16T23:07:00.000-04:00

I swear, when I have kids, I'm not going to drop hints about certain single members of the opposite sex....it's very annoying.

Beth Ann got tickets to John Mayer, so now I'm going to have to figure that whole situation out...*sigh.*

2002-08-13T22:13:00.000-04:00

Hahahah....that is so funny. Right.

2002-08-11T00:01:00.000-04:00

There's been a little bit of Scuffletown in my house for the past few days :). Jeremy is visiting...it's wonderful to hear him and Elizabeth playing and laughing again. He's such a great kid. As skeptical as I am about long distance friendships, if any will work it's theirs...

We went back to Charlotte Co. Wednesday. Mom had to go to court for the car accident, I had to bring my cat back home with me, where he belongs. In the afternoon we went over to Lynchburg College for a visit. It's so beautiful...I love it. Met with an advisor, and turned in my application. Strange feeling, like the future is almost here. Hmm.

I just watched "A Walk to Remember" and was mildly surprised/impressed. Sappy...perhaps. But it was honest also, and it has a great message. I came away feeling more optimistic about the future, hope, faith....and myself. Perhaps....perhaps not all love is meant to last. I have more to say on that, I'm just not sure how to put it...all I know is that, if it's real, whether it lasts or not, you should come away a better person for having loved, and been loved.

So for now, I'm trying to be the best person I can be, to keep my eyes focused on the sky, to turn my thoughts outward more often...and to have faith in Love.

2002-08-04T11:45:00.000-04:00

A recent poll in the 12th grade Aldersgate Sunday School class revealed that 95% of high school seniors' dream vacation is surfing in Hawaii. The other 5%: Italy.

Guess who made up that 5%. Welcome to the beach, Dee Dee Weeks.

2002-07-21T22:51:00.000-04:00

Too many reasons to shout and scream; I'd drive a million miles to say them to your face.

2002-06-29T00:06:00.000-04:00

Well, we're here. If I were writing in the morning I would tell you about the strange, the friendly, the good neighbors, the nice breeze, the crescent shaped street I live on that Elizabeth rides her bike constantly up and down. But it's evening and I am a classic example of someone who the line "though your sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning" was written for. There are boxes everywhere. The house is nice. I had an alright day. I got my hair cut, a dress for Rob's wedding. I talked to Joe, which was the highlight of the day until Mom burst my bubble by saying that Richmond is too far for me to be on a Friday night (I was telling her about the John Mayer concert we wanted to go to in September). Well. I'll figure something out. And so, everyone else is in bed and I'm sitting here watching The Simpsons and convincing myself that it wouldn't do to eat that piece of cheesecake in the fridge and that everything is going to be ok and just because you're a lonely friendless high schooler at the moment, you'll grow out of it. And so I pretended Caly was here and I shed some good tears on her shoulder. And then...I remembered my dreams, and things he told me. And a little voice whispered the plans there are in store for us, and it was ok....for a moment, this evening, it's ok. Life goes by so quickly, and a year is so short. We'll be ok. I guess I'm just trying to say I miss him.

It's not just Joe, you know. Somewhere along the way I was southernized. Somewhere along the way I noticed the little things that make life beautiful. I noticed the black sky full of stars and the way the hay swayed right before it was cut. I became a sweet tea addict. I started to not mind having to drive an hour to the mall. I appreciated the fact that I could pick up the local paper and know 75% of the faces and names. It gets into you, into your mind and soul. I think of the red clay and feel what Scarlett must have when she finally realizes that she can't lose Tara, that it's a part of her. Something in the land.....it'll draw me back.

2002-06-20T17:48:00.000-04:00

Mrs. Locke called me Elizabeth today. It was in passing, and I sorta thought I misheard, but Joseph, sounding shocked, half-laughing, said, "What did you say?"
"Oh, I'm sorry! Isn't that uh...your middle name?" She answered, trying to cover up the fact.
"No," I answered, "That's my sister's name. My middle name is Maurine."
"Ah...I had a good friend named Maurine....uncommon name."
She quickly left the room, embarrassed. Joseph was still laughing, which I'm very thankful for. Frankly, I'm trying hard to find it funny that she called me Elizabeth....and trying to ignore the fact that she didn't mean my sister....

2002-06-08T23:01:00.000-04:00

Well, it's done. They've all graduated and are now only waiting to go off and begin on their own.....In the same moment I envy them and am so thankful that I have one more year. I'm jealous that they'll be living something I won't....which is silly, because all these years I have already been living a seperate life. It's kinda nice knowing that there was more keeping us together than shared public school torment.

All Joe's relatives came up from NC....we had dinner at their house and then drove the few miles over to the school. I think I was more nervous than he was, though I can't figure out why. Perhaps if I weren't moving this wouldn't be such a big deal, but it's this shared transition-last-moment-memories thing. When Beth Ann got up to give her speech, I just about lost it...in fact, every time I think about it I tear up. Hers is the only one I can really remember, the rest are all a blur (though I also know that hers was the only one worth listening to). And...then....it was over. All done. Rather surreal. Then back to his house for two hours of coffee, cheesecake.......

How fast these past few months have flown by.....There was a graduation card I read yesterday that had a quote by someone (I wish I could remember who) that went like this, "I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I am in love with today." I think that speaks for itself. Goodnight everyone....here's to the future.

2002-06-05T23:20:00.000-04:00

I had an....amazing time (experience?) at National Convention last week. I'm so glad I went...it was wonderful seeing Liah, the Trans, and all the VA people, and getting to meet all the awesome Teenpacters from all over the country (especially you MS people :) ).

I am glad to be back home this week though. After I figured out my suitcase fiasco (strange how it ended up @ Paul's house in Richmond....), everything is going very well....Josh's surprise graduation party was yesterday (yay!). And my parents got the new van (a red 2002 Honda Odyssey). Whoo. So I was alone all day....I enjoyed it very much :). Party, then Wal-Mart, then losing my way on the back roads, then home to a nice quiet house and a beautiful evening. Me, the night sky, some books, and all night talking with Joe. And....Today Joseph took me to see Staunton Hill and Clarkton Bridge (finally). I almost would have rather left them undone....it's nice to have things like that to accomplish, keep on your list...give you a reason to stick around.

I'm mucho tired. RHHS Graduation is Friday. I'm excited for them all...and I'm looking forward to going...but it signifies the end of a small era. They'll all be gone to Myrtle Beach next week, then I'll be in Roanoke half of the next week....and a week later I move. And my brother's wedding is a month from today! I hate it when life seems like one big checklist. I don't feel like I'm going to lose anything after it's all finished, in fact I'll gain some precious things....but it's still just so....depressing. However, it won't be long before Joseph is over there as well. It won't be the same....but it won't be long.

This may have been written by Darlene Zschech, but I'm in love with this song....it's been a blessing to me all week. It's amazing how it seems to have been placed on my heart...I go to bed at night with it there, I wake up singing it. God is so astounding....we are so unworthy....Better is one day in Your courts, Lord.

Thank You for the cross, Lord
Thank You for the price You paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In love You came
And gave amazing grace

Thank You for this Love, Lord
Thank You for the nail pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know
Is Your forgiveness and embrace

Worthy is the Lamb
Seated on the throne
Crown You now with many crowns
You reign victorious
High and lifted up
Jesus, Son of God
The Darling of heaven, crucified
Worthy is the Lamb.

2002-05-26T19:15:00.000-04:00

"Okay, then do they still get our benefits? Do you guys understand that these people (who can't speak or read english) are given governmental help? Such as WellFare? It kind of makes me mad, really, really mad. We have to pay for those selfish pigs. I know, I know, this isn't very kind, but you know, there really isn't much of a reason for all this. The U.S. is very leanient, so I don't see where the U.N. can say we are heartless. I actually think we are more brainless. I'll cool down for a while. Sorry you guys. Don't take after my anger."

This is a post from the TeenPact boards in response to a discussion on immigrants being required to learn English. While most of the kids seem to be trying to think through the issue, and want the best for all concerned, this post upset me a bit.

"Selfish pigs" is a term that, ironically, was employed by the Black Panthers and is now being used by someone on the complete opposite end of the political spectrum...while I applaud this girl for forming an opinion and being up and aware of issues like this, I'm rather aghast at the violence and heartlessness she seems to display against anyone who hasn't happened to have had the benefit of learning English as a first language. I am all for requiring immigrants to learn English eventually, but whatever happened to the country who welcomes foreigners to her banks with the pledge, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me." What if that read, "Give me your well-educated, bilingual, disease-free masses who may add to the economy and benefit these shores. Send these, the ones worthy of being Americans, to me." I cringe when I read things like that. How far have we come from the original ideals and purpose of this country? Call me brainless, idealistic, foolish, impractical....Not one of us deserves to be here, so then how can we turn away those who risk their lives to have what we have? Sometimes I think we forget that we are just strangers in this land.

2002-05-25T00:08:00.000-04:00

"I like...that you're tall. It makes me feel more feminine."-- C. J. Craig, The West Wing

Amen.

2002-05-23T01:07:00.000-04:00

What a day...and yesterday.

I keep replaying the accident over and over in my mind, hearing the sound of screeching tires and wrenching metal, breaking glass and my dog yelping. I see the blur of the stop sign as it goes down, the fresh green grass pressing against my window as we roll. I see my hands shaking and my mom's big eyes fill with shock, relief, then fear. I see the empty middle bucket seat where my sister should have been and I hear my voice screaming "She's gone. Where's Elizabeth? Oh my God. Where's Elizabeth?!" Everything is grey and hazy as I turn my head, looking, searching all around. Finally, over my right shoulder I see her lying in the road, stretched out on her back, as if she was sleeping. Is she alive? Is she going to get hit by a car? Oh my God. My passenger door opens. Did I open it? There is a man out there, perhaps it was him. Mom is screaming, she can't get her door open, she's yelling at the man to dial 911, to go to Elizabeth. Somehow I'm out of the car, running towards Elizabeth. "Oh my God! Elizabeth! Elizabeth! Are you ok?" Her eyes quiver and open, framed by her long lashes. She focuses on me-- have her eyes always been that green and beautiful? "Elizabeth! I'm here!" It seems like forever until mom is there also. I'm crying-- my hands are shaking. Elizabeth moans and my heart leaps-- she can moan. "Arnica!" Mom's shaky voice is directed at me. I run back towards the van. Oh my God. Did we come out of there? I stop and stare. I remember the arnica and open my passenger door, see my purse lying on the floor, the contents spilled all over the car. I see CDs and jackets all over the highway as I rush back to Elizabeth with the homeopathic remedy. My hands are shaking, making the small vial sound like a loud rattle in my weary ears. Mom presses a couple of tablets into Elizabeth's bleeding mouth. Her eyes are so large, the blood from her cheek and head so red. She revives, she's looking at us. There are rescue volunteers and people from nearby houses all around. "Do you know your name?" Someone asks. "Elizabeth Weeks." I start to cry again. She speaks! "Do you know who the President is?" "George Bush." She's going to be alright.

I love you, Elizabeth. You're my hero.

We are such fragile creatures. At every turn of my memory there is a miracle, or an angel who was there, protecting us. When we were rolling I did not think of my future, or my past. I thought of my family, those I love, my Savior. There names flitted through my head and I was prepared to die. I'm never going to wait to tell them. I love you Mom, Dad, Robert, Elizabeth, Gima. I love you Joseph, Megan, Liah, Greg. I love you, Jesus. I love you.

2002-05-19T19:29:00.000-04:00

Saw "Star Wars: E II" Friday. I rather liked it, despite the critics.

Yesterday was spent in the Briary PC Youth Van and Washington D.C. That was bunches of fun....

Today...Dance recital. And now...I've got some lovely roses from J :).

Three days in a row with Joe and now the weekend is over. Such is life. If it weren't for the fact that I know I'm moving in a little over a month, I would say that this is too good....something's gonna fall. But I know what it is, so I don't care....I'm taking each beautiful day as it comes :).

2002-05-14T14:12:00.000-04:00

“In ten thousand years human beings have gone from hunting to farming to cities to cyberspace. Behavior is screaming forward, and it might be nonadaptive. Nobody knows. Although personally, I think cyberspace means the end of our species.”

“Yes? Why is that?”

“Because it means the end of innovation,” Malcolm said. “This idea that the whole world is wired together is mass death. Every biologist knows that small groups in isolation evolve very fast. You put ten thousand on a big continent, and their evolution slows down. Now, for our own species, evolution occurs mostly through our behavior. We innovate new behavior to adapt. And everybody on earth knows that innnovation only occurs in small groups. Put three people on a committee and they may get something done. Ten people, and it gets harder. Thirty people, and nothing happens. Thirty million, it becomes impossible. That’s the effect of mass media—it keeps anything from happening. Mass media swamps diversity. It makes every place the same. Bangkok or Tokyo or London: there’s a McDonald’s on one corner, a Benneton on another, a Gap across the street. Regional differences vanish. All differences vanish. In a mass-media world, there’s less of everything except the top ten books, records, movies, ideas. People worry about losing species diversity in the rain forest. But what about intellectual diversity—our most necessary resource? That’s disappearing faster than trees. But we haven’t figures that out, so now we’re planning to put five billion people together in cyberspace. And it’ll freeze the entire species. Everything will stop dead in its tracks. Everyone will think the same thing at the same time. Global uniformity.”
--Michael Crichton “The Lost World”

2002-05-14T01:07:00.000-04:00

Tonight I...can hardly feel a thing. I'm not angry, or sad. Just...empty. I can't think of him without a half-smile, and puzzled eyes. Puzzled...I am so puzzled. I want to look him in the eyes right now and say, "C'mon, Joe. No more games....I am what I am, and you do not know who I am. You've seen my eyes laugh, but you've never seen them cry....I will wait for you to know me, and along the way I will discover you. Give it time." The problem, however, is that I am the only one who can understand what I just said. You have to know me to understand it. You have to be me? *Sigh.* It is a paradox I'm having trouble sorting out.

2002-05-14T00:50:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so I took another stupid survey which I'm going to do myself the favor of not posting here. Sometimes I worry about me.

2002-05-12T23:10:00.000-04:00

Do you know how strange it was to watch the evening news and see Carter standing there next to Fidel, smiling? Gima was sitting next to me, silent. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her facial muscles draw rigid, and taut. When the segment was over she quietly said, "Oh God," and walked out of the room. I'd give anything to know what she was thinking, but somehow I'm afraid I'd regret it. Those aren't easy shoes to step into.

2002-05-11T09:55:00.000-04:00

Went to The Gathering Spot last night with Joe and Caitlin. Well, explored South Boston for a few hours and then went to The Gathering Spot. Caitlin has a new VW Bug! Yay! I always said that I didn't like the new ones, but I think I've been converted....it's like riding in a spaceship/bubble. Heh. The Gathering Spot was packed. About 5 times as many people there as any other time I've been. They had 4 bands playing, and guess who was in the first one? Zach L! So Anna was there. Yay :). She's so much fun...ah. Cracks me up. Got to hang out with Ashley and Nick some more. Zach's band was great, and the last band was awesome....those 2 in between, however....yeah. It was a good evening overall (even though I had to leave at 10:30 to be home at 11 since I'm working in the library this morning and taking Elizabeth to Earth Day while Mom and Dad are in Richmond<---what a sentence. Ha.)....J commented on how our Friday evenings are either too exciting or boring. The Gathering Spot was almost too exciting last night...just too much. Of course, whenever we're with Caitlin it seems to be that way. Then theres this bit of a letdown....last Friday was just perfect, however. Ah....But, hooray for dancing and good music and lovely adults, and wonderful atmosphere. If you ever make it to South Boston, VA (though I really don't see why you would), make sure you check in at The Gathering Spot. It will be well worth your time....

2002-05-09T22:59:00.000-04:00

I just spent 15 minutes weeping like a baby because Mark Greene has died. Say what you will, I don't care. It is a sad day.